Deep Listening in Coaching

How the first pillar of the BetterSelf Approach transforms not just conversations, but entire lives

There’s a moment in every coaching session when everything shifts.
It usually happens quietly. Maybe my client pauses mid-sentence, their shoulders drop, and they say something like, “I’ve never said that out loud before.” Or sometimes it’s even simpler—they just breathe differently, as if they’ve finally found a place where they can stop performing and start being.

But here’s what most people don’t understand about coaching: the transformation doesn’t happen because I have the right questions. It happens because, often for the first time in their lives, someone is truly receiving the whole of what they’re communicating—not just their words, but their emotions, their energy, their unspoken truths.

You’re not broken if you’ve never experienced this. You’re simply living in a world that has forgotten how to truly hear each other.

Before we dive into what deep listening is, let’s acknowledge what it’s not.
Most of us have been conditioned to listen with an agenda. We’re waiting for our turn to speak, preparing our advice, or worse—judging what we’re hearing against our own experiences and finding it lacking. This isn’t listening; it’s performing.

In my coaching practice, I’ve witnessed the cost of this surface-level communication:

• Sarah came to me exhausted from “explaining herself” in every relationship. She’d learned to over-share because she was so rarely understood the first time.
• Michael had stopped sharing his dreams entirely because every time he did, people immediately jumped to “practical concerns” instead of hearing his vision.
• Me, always being accused of being “too sensitive” because I picked up on tensions others seemed to miss—not realizing I was actually more attuned to the 80% of communication that most people ignore.

Each of us believed something was wrong with us. None of us were broken.

Albert Mehrabian’s groundbreaking research revealed that only 7% of communication happens through words, while tone of voice and body language make up the majority (source). This explains why deep listening goes far beyond just hearing words.

We’re missing 93% of every conversation.
This isn’t just fascinating research—it’s the key to understanding why so many people feel perpetually misunderstood, why relationships stay surface-level, and why traditional coaching methods often fall short.

In the BetterSelf Approach, deep listening isn’t just a technique—it’s the foundation that makes all other transformation possible.

True deep listening in coaching means I’m not just hearing your words; I’m attuning to your whole system: The pause before you answer a difficult questionThe shift in your voice when you touch on something meaningfulThe way your body moves when you’re accessing different emotionsThe energy behind what you’re sharingWhat you’re not saying as much as what you are

 

One client recently told me, “You heard things I didn’t even know I was communicating.”This is where the magic happens—when all parts of you feel witnessed.

In my sessions, I use what I call the STOP Method:

• Stop preparing my response
• Tune into your body language and energy
• Observe tone, pace, and pauses
• Presence myself fully to what’s emerging

This isn’t passive listening. It’s active, engaged presence that creates safety for your truth to emerge—often for the first time.

When someone experiences this quality of listening in coaching—not advice, not fixing, not analyzing—something profound shifts:

• Clients stop apologizing for taking up emotional space
• Their own inner voice becomes clearer and more trustworthy
• They begin attracting people who can actually receive them
• Decision-making becomes easier because they trust their perceptions
• They remember who they are beneath all the expectations and performance

But here’s the deeper transformation: When you experience being completely received—no performance required, no apologies needed for being exactly who you are—you start relating differently to yourself. You stop trying to fix what was never broken.

Traditional coaching often focuses on goals, action plans, and behavioral changes. The BetterSelf Approach starts deeper—with creating the conditions where your own wisdom can emerge and what needs to be acknowledged can be acknowledged.

Deep listening is the first pillar because:

• It creates immediate nervous system regulation (you feel safe)
• It builds the trust necessary for authentic exploration
• It demonstrates that you don’t need to be “fixed”
• It models the quality of presence you can bring to your own inner dialogue

This is why my clients often say our work together feels different from therapy, traditional coaching, or advice from well-meaning friends. There’s no agenda except to be with you exactly as you are and create space for what wants to emerge.

The beautiful thing about experiencing this quality of listening is that it doesn’t stay contained to our coaching sessions. My clients naturally begin offering this same presence to others:

• Parents find their children opening up in ways they never expected
• Partners discover conversations become connecting rather than draining
• Leaders notice their teams feeling more heard and valued
• Friends start seeking them out for “real” conversations

One client shared: “My teenage daughter said something yesterday that stopped me in my tracks: ‘Mom, you listen differently now. It feels safe to tell you things.’”

Research from Harvard Business Review highlights that great listeners don’t just hear words—they engage with empathy and presence, creating the space for real connection and insight (source).

This is one of my favorite observations about the coaching process. Clients already have the answers they’re seeking—they just need the right quality of listening to access their own wisdom.

In our sessions, you might hear yourself saying things like:

• “I never thought of it that way before…”
• “Wow, I didn’t realize I felt so strongly about that…”
• “Hearing myself say that out loud, I know what I need to do…”

This is the power of being truly received. Not advised, not fixed, not analyzed—simply heard with complete presence and zero judgment.

Deep listening isn’t something I turn on during coaching sessions. It’s a way of being that shapes every interaction. It’s how I hold space for:

• Your contradictions without needing to resolve them
• Your emotions without needing to change them
• Your process without needing to speed it up
• Your truth without needing to judge it

This is what I mean when I say you’re not broken. You don’t need fixing—you need witnessing. You need someone who can receive the fullness of who you are and reflect back your inherent wholeness.

If you’re reading this and feeling a recognition—a sense of “yes, this is what I’ve been missing”—you’re already understanding something important about yourself.

You don’t need more advice. You don’t need someone to analyze your patterns or fix your problems. You need space to breathe into yourself and remember what you already know.

In our work together, this is exactly what happens:

• Transformation happens organically because you feel safe to be real

• You experience being completely received (often for the first time)

• Your nervous system relaxes into authentic expression

• Your own clarity emerges naturally through being witnessed

Deep listening is the first pillar of the BetterSelf Approach because nothing else can happen without it. Not sustainable change, not authentic transformation, not genuine self-acceptance.

Everything else we might explore together—setting boundaries, trusting your intuition, stepping into your authentic power—becomes possible because you’ve experienced what it feels like to be completely received.

This is the foundation that changes everything.

If you’re tired of conversations that stay on the surface, relationships where you feel perpetually misunderstood, or working with coaches who want to fix rather than witness you—you might be ready for the BetterSelf Approach.

Deep listening is just the beginning. When combined with authentic presence, emotional intelligence, zero judgment, and genuine warmth, it creates the conditions where you remember who you’ve always been beneath all the expectations and performance.

Ready to explore working together? Whether you’re drawn to a single session for clarity and breakthrough, or a deeper journey through my Growth Path Package, I’m here when you feel called to experience what it’s like to be truly heard and held in your transformation.

Because you’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. You need space to breathe into yourself—and someone who knows how to hold that space with you.

Ready to experience the BetterSelf difference? Let’s create the space where your transformation happens naturally.